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Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Dancing



I recently came across a quote that stated, " Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... it's about learning to dance in the rain."

To be honest there are days in which I just wish for the storm to pass. It feels like time has ended and - it didn't ask my permission to do so. Everything that I planned has now had to take a detour and I am not good with detours.

Halloween came. I had a dream that I would dress Livi up and be able to take lots of pictures and celebrate our first Halloween together. I was left feeling cheated. Cheated in the fact that everything including my body was destroyed and no one warned me or informed me that changes would happen.

Ankle - you would not believe how much your ankle holds your foot and allows you to move and walk correctly. My ankle was broken in three places with compound fractures - meaning the bone was coming out in three places. Now I am walking on the side of my ankle due to the plates and screws and the hardware and this is probably how I will walk for the rest of my life. This causes pain every night when I go to bed - I have muscle spasms in my ankle and my foot. I am not sure if I will ever Dance again.

Storm - I have dealt with many storms. One of the hardest storms is that I carry physical scars that are tied with heartstrings. Every time I see the scars on my legs, knees, ankle and tummy I physically carry with me the memory of Livi ripped from my body with no memory of this happening. Each day I see the scars and I think - not only are these scars but they are scars etched in my heart.

Damon and I went to visit Livi for the first time. I have not been ready before. It was good to go with my rock - Damon. We had time to contemplate and be with our daughter. It was peaceful and it gave me comfort that Livi is buried close to one of the Grandmothers she is named after. As I stood there - leaves where dancing in the wind and the sun was shining and it was a beautiful fall afternoon. I choose to bask in the sunlight and remember the happy times of the memories that I had with Livi and my Grandmother.

May we all Dance.

4 comments:

Erin said...

As always, this was a beautiful post Corrine. I admire you for your faithful messages as well as your honesty. The emotional and physical scars may heal in time but time cannot come fast enough. Halloween was a bittersweet holiday for us as well. Perhaps both of our little angels went out together and kept each other company - that is a thought that brings me peace.

All our love,
Erin (and Rob)

Jessica said...

I agree. This was a beautiful, well-written post. You did a good job of highlighting faith, disappointment, sadness and pain. It's amazing how each holiday brings another wound. I pray the Lord will give you (and Erin and Rob) strength as you face your first "holiday season" without your little ones. Our first year without Elizabeth was the hardest Christmas I've ever endured.

Love you to the moon!
Jess

Bethany Hopkins said...

Corrine- You inspire me. I have seen you go from your highest of highs to your lowest of lows. And yet you continue to move forward. You continue to hold to the rod and blaze new trails. A Poineer of sorts. Thank you for the inspiration to move forward. To continue even when things get hard. You are amazing! I love you tons. I feel very honored to be a part of this awesome family.

Kim said...

Corrine,

You are so amazing. I love reading your blog. We are so lucky to have the gospel in our lives.
Death has robbed you and Damon of so many things. But it cannot rob you of the memories you have with her, the present feelings that she is watching over you, and all of the future fun you will have when you are together again.
Thanks for sharing your sweet and tender feelings with us.