May

Today is my Birthday. I am writing at 12:39 am - so technically it is my Birthday.  May use to be one of my favorite months, but not really anymore.  Both my Grandma's birthdays are in May.  My Grandma Hopkins her middle name is Mae.  May for me starts the whole cycle of emotions and everything that happened after.

I remember on Mother's day - Damon giving me a card that talked all about our little Livi coming to live with us, and that he was excited for that.  Then came my Birthday, I remember being so scared that Livi was coming and if I was going to me a good Mom and I was having lots and lots of anxiety.  Everyone said it was just me being a Fisrt Time Mom.  I think it was a tender mercy of things to come.  I remember not wanting to get a crib or a room ready for Livi.  I remember not wanting to paint or to buy anything for the baby.  Looking back I now know why.  I think a Mom just knows things in a way that no one else knows. 

Now Mother's Day has another meaning to me.  I love being a Mom.  I love to hear Grayson's giggles.  I love to tickle his tickle spots all the time.  I love how he calls, "Mom" "Mom" over and over again to make sure I am listening to him and I know where he is, or maybe he is checking to see where I am.  I also think of his Birth Mom.  I hope she is doing good.  I hope she knows that our love for her grows stronger and stronger.  I wonder what Mother's day is like for her too.  Bittersweet for me. 

As I get ready to share my story at a dinner with 50 strangers within the next week all I can think of is that

"May we take the Bittersweet and try to see the sweet and not to become bitter."