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Friday, December 24, 2010


This month has been a month of fog in many ways. We live in the mountains and there has been fog that has covered the roads even during the bright sunlight. The fog covers everything and you are not able to see even outside our front door. The clouds touch the ground and sometimes I like to think that heaven is not to far away.
It seems like it is all a bad dream and that I will wake up and in the morning all of the fog will dissipate and I would be holding a 4 month old Livi and getting ready for a little girl's 1st Christmas.
Fog still covers my heart and always will....
but a friend bringing her little boys to play with the puppies...allows the fog to dissipate for an hour. Sharing in two different griefs allows us to drive through the fog, on different roads with our hearts as compasses.
Neighbors who listen to their hearts and allows the fog to dissipate through an amazing gift for Christmas.
For another neighbor who relates to surgery and pain and allows the fog to dissipate through being a survivor and crosses barriers of different faiths but we share the scars left on our bodies and our hearts.
For a sorority mom that dissipates the fog, with saying, "It is okay. I knew that I wouldn't be able to keep my child as well." For listening with a open heart instead of ears.
For those going through the fog I know how hard it is. It is thick and gloomy and you feel like you are lost and that there is no end in sight. You might be scared or worried or frustrated that the fog came your way, especially when you didn't want it or ask for it. You may simply feel lost. But I have faith that the fog leaves, that the sunlight pours through and soaks you all the way to your heart. The fog will still come and it should because this is life and life experience. But once you know you can make it through the fog, when the fog hits again it is a little bit easier to handle.
May we all share in our fogs and may we all help others to make their fogs dissipate.

Sunday, December 5, 2010


This week we went with our Wright Family to see the Christmas Play the Forgotten Carols. It was bittersweet. There is a part in the play and a song that says, "Mary let me hold her baby." I pictured this scene with Livi in the hospital as Damon wanted everyone to hold her. He told me he wanted everyone to have a relationship with her so she was not forgotten.

I really hate Christmas this year (and it is okay.) I guess I had secret wishes and dreams in my heart that we would have little Livi with us and that it would be a wonderful time together with our little family of three.

I remember the exact date of Dec. 15th, 2009 that the blood test came back that we were pregnant. We knew I was pregnant before this but this was the test that it was actually confirmed the pregnancy. I can remember exactly where I was when I received this call. I remember crying I was so happy. I remember every emotion & detail of going out and getting Damon a special gift to open that day to celebrate this news! This is why I hate Christmas. I will never forget.

Last year I was very excited to celebrate Christmas and it carried a special meaning to our family as we were preparing for our little one to come.

I know that life goes on. I know that others forget. It hurts.

I will never forget the day that she died. I will never forget exactly where I was when the car hit me. I will never forget saying, "help me, please help me." The emotions and details of the car accident are preserved in my heart, spirit and memory. Instead of Damon having a special gift to open, he held his arms open as Livi was placed in his arms at the U of U hospital with a social worker saying, "Your daughter did not make it."

I know that for Christmas we are to remember the gift of Christ. May we also remember that some gifts are felt within the heart and maybe reach out to others that are experiencing some type of hidden pain. I think Christ would see this as the best gift one could give.