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Saturday, May 21, 2011

Happy Birthday Grandma Hopkins

At the rising of the sun and at its going down We remember her.
At the blowing of the wind and the chill of winter We remember her.
At the opening of the buds and in the rebirth of spring We remember her.
At the blueness of the skies and in the warmth of summer We remember her.
At the rustling of the leaves and in the beauty of autumn We remember her.
At the beginning of the year and when it ends We remember her.
As long as we live, they too will live; for they are now a part of us, as we remember her.
When we are weary and in need of strength
We remember her.
When we are lost and sick at heart We remember her.
When we have joy we crave to share We remember her.
When we have decisions that are difficult to make We remember her.
When we have achievements that are based on theirs We remember her.
As long as we live, they too will live; for they are now a part of us, as we remember her..

Grandma - I named Livi after you. I wanted her to carry a part of you, even though you never got to meet her. I remember and hold beautiful memories of your compassion, service to others but most of never said anything bad about anyone. What a legacy, you left for me. I know hope and pray, that you will take care of my little Livi girl, until...I can be with you both. I know that your firstborn died too, now I hold you in a higher light for your strength and braveness of your tear journey.

I wanted to let you know you are not forgotten. - I carry you in my heart.

Sunday, May 15, 2011


It has been a while. Once you think that you get a handle on your grief, your heart seems to break and the tears come once again. It has been the toughest journey I have ever been on.

Livi's headstone was placed. Now her eternal marker of where her body lies has her name. I vow that she will never be forgotten. Never. I saw it I cried.

I attended an awesome lecture with my Dad, my bro - his wife, my bro-in law. I learned how our body, minds and spirit are all connected. I learned how we manifest this connection within our body language. I learned that vision boards really do work. I learned that I am a deeply spiritual person. I learned that there is a connection between heaven and earth that is very close. When someone asked, if I had children. I hesitated to answer. Then, she said, "Did you forget you had any kids? Oh I was furious. I cried. I didn't forget, I have scars all over my body, that does not let me forget. I struggle to give any information to strangers. They ask, if I don't say that I don't have kids, am I forgetting her? If I say, "I have daughter", the next question is old is she? I cry....I don't forget her but I am sick and tired of telling my story. Tired. I think that my body is angry for all that I have put it through. The 13 surgeries and all, the pain, the fatigue, the weakness. I cry for the loss of my body.

Mother's day came and went. Dear friends brought me a beautiful card, with a message that tugged at my heart strings. I survived my first mother's day. Awkward. I am a mom? I cried.

Sophie won a makeover for four friends. We went and looked pretty - oh so pretty. Her friend mentioned that when I came to her house - she mentioned that I had a calm spirit about me. Hmm-where have I heard this before? - I cried.

I had lunch with a very dear friend Rachel. She understands more than anyone right now. I listened to her questions and her thoughts on this long grief journey. She is strong. She is brave. Why us? Why now? There are a lot of Why's. I ate lunch. Came home and cried.

"Tears are words our heart can not express."

May we all have tears and may we share in the tears of others.