It has been a while. Once you think that you get a handle on your grief, your heart seems to break and the tears come once again. It has been the toughest journey I have ever been on.
Livi's headstone was placed. Now her eternal marker of where her body lies has her name. I vow that she will never be forgotten. Never. I saw it I cried.
I attended an awesome lecture with my Dad, my bro - his wife, my bro-in law. I learned how our body, minds and spirit are all connected. I learned how we manifest this connection within our body language. I learned that vision boards really do work. I learned that I am a deeply spiritual person. I learned that there is a connection between heaven and earth that is very close. When someone asked, if I had children. I hesitated to answer. Then, she said, "Did you forget you had any kids? Oh I was furious. I cried. I didn't forget, I have scars all over my body, that does not let me forget. I struggle to give any information to strangers. They ask, if I don't say that I don't have kids, am I forgetting her? If I say, "I have daughter", the next question is always....how old is she? I cry....I don't forget her but I am sick and tired of telling my story. Tired. I think that my body is angry for all that I have put it through. The 13 surgeries and all, the pain, the fatigue, the weakness. I cry for the loss of my body.
Mother's day came and went. Dear friends brought me a beautiful card, with a message that tugged at my heart strings. I survived my first mother's day. Awkward. I am a mom? I cried.
Sophie won a makeover for four friends. We went and looked pretty - oh so pretty. Her friend mentioned that when I came to her house - she mentioned that I had a calm spirit about me. Hmm-where have I heard this before? - I cried.
I had lunch with a very dear friend Rachel. She understands more than anyone right now. I listened to her questions and her thoughts on this long grief journey. She is strong. She is brave. Why us? Why now? There are a lot of Why's. I ate lunch. Came home and cried.
"Tears are words our heart can not express."
May we all have tears and may we share in the tears of others.