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Thursday, September 9, 2010

What if....

What if .... I go down this road when I try to figure out all that has happened to me. What if I waited 5 minutes before getting into the car and leaving to drive down the road.

I would be a Mom. I would have come home with a baby wrapped in a soft blanket instead of legs wrapped in braces. Instead of an empty nursery with the door shut because the pain is to much to bear, there would be a cute Pottery Barn crib set in colors of pink and raspberry with splashes of lime.

Splashes of tears have hit me lately. I have come to realized that those parents who have lost a child, never stop grieving, they simply learn how to live life through the grief.

While at the hospital, I was focused on physically healing by body. Learning how to breathe on my own, learning how to walk, learning how to respect my by body with all the scars. While at home, I have been thrown into trying to heal emotionally. Learning how to live without Livi.

What if... I wasn't pregnant. I would have died. That is what all of the paramedics, firefighters and all first responders to the scene told my family later after I survived.

In dying, she saved me. Now I have to learn how to live without her, but to live is the gift that she gave me. How many Mom's can say that their daughter saved their lives.

How proud I am to be an "Angel, Mom."


Erin said...

Corrine, I wept when I read this thoughtful and beautiful post. I think the conclusions that you come to at the end are so poignant and you are absolutely right. Your Livi did save you and I'm sure you mean that in more ways than one. Rob and I have said many times that our Henry saved us.

You are an amazing mother and I have so much respect for you. We think about you and your family all of the time.

Much love,

Jessica said...

It breaks my heart that you have to be home without your Livi. That closed nursery door is all too familiar. The tears that spontaneously flow, day and night, can sometimes feel like the only constant. It does get a little easier over time. The first year is the hardest. However, my mom still cries for the child daughter she lost 48 years ago. But living eventually becomes less of a chore. I love you. You are amazing. We believe in you and Damon.

nennermommy said...


What if you did leave 5 minutes later??? I would not know you I would not know Damon, I would not know Livi. Though I wish a tragedy was not the reason I got to know you here on earth. I do love her and thank you her everyday for teaching me and bringing you into my life. I really believe we all sat in heaven together as we planned this event. I was there and I was very close to you (I think we were good friends)
I just so wish you didn't have to b in pain emotionally and physically :( I love you!!!! xoxoxo

Lisa said...

Dear Corrine, I have enjoyed reading your blog, especially now that you are authoring it. My heart, love and prayers continue to go out to you and your hubby. I miss you terribly. Wishing you all the best! Lisa

Anonymous said...

I am so sorry you have to go through the emotional pain of not being able to have livi there with you.....You are a mom and you will have that chance again :)I am so grateful that she did save your life.......Love you lots :)

Kara Witt said...

I know how tough it is to lose a first born child. If you ever need anything, let me know.

Emily Whisman said...

Hi Corrine,
I just wanted to say Hi, and I think right now this is the best way. Thank you to you for how you have brought our neighborhood together, what a blessing your family is for us and especially Livi. I'm so sorry for the physical and emotional pain you've had to go through, & are still going through, to bring this to pass. We think of you more than you know, I'm sending you hugs and love from the house by the park,
Love, Emily

Alyson Walter said...

Thank you for being so candid about what you are experiencing. It makes all take a moment to pause and remember what we have to be thankful for in our lives.

I would love to be able to "chat" with you but I prefer a more private means than posting on a blog. Do you have an email we can write to?