What if .... I go down this road when I try to figure out all that has happened to me. What if I waited 5 minutes before getting into the car and leaving to drive down the road.
I would be a Mom. I would have come home with a baby wrapped in a soft blanket instead of legs wrapped in braces. Instead of an empty nursery with the door shut because the pain is to much to bear, there would be a cute Pottery Barn crib set in colors of pink and raspberry with splashes of lime.
Splashes of tears have hit me lately. I have come to realized that those parents who have lost a child, never stop grieving, they simply learn how to live life through the grief.
While at the hospital, I was focused on physically healing by body. Learning how to breathe on my own, learning how to walk, learning how to respect my by body with all the scars. While at home, I have been thrown into trying to heal emotionally. Learning how to live without Livi.
What if... I wasn't pregnant. I would have died. That is what all of the paramedics, firefighters and all first responders to the scene told my family later after I survived.
In dying, she saved me. Now I have to learn how to live without her, but to live is the gift that she gave me. How many Mom's can say that their daughter saved their lives.
How proud I am to be an "Angel, Mom."