Gifts

This is the picture of what I deal with every night. You see Damon snores like no other. I couldn't sleep because I have been dealing with major pain. My last surgery really set be back because of the pain catheter not going in to the right place. I feel like I am not making progress like I should because I can't walk and bend my right knee all the way.

Anyways you would think that I would be upset about the snoring, but to me it is a gift. As I laid in bed last night I thought, "I would rather listen to Damon snoring than all of the sounds I have been through during the hospital and the accident."

I remember the jaws of life literally cutting me out of my car as the engine fell and burned my legs and stomach. It was one of the worst sounds - that I can't let go.

I remember the beeps of all of the machines that were keeping me alive. The beep for the IV medications, the beeps for my heart monitor and oxygen monitors the sounds for bed alarms.

I remember craving for silence. Now that I am home, I savor and think of all of the sounds in my homes as gifts. I recognize that these sounds are comfort and being home is a huge comfort to me.

May we all recognize the gifts that come to us by surprise.

Cheesecake & Shaving

Yesterday was a great day. My sorority sister friends came to pay me a little visit. We chatted, cried and ate cheesecake - a woman's delight. We have been friends for over 13 years. We were in the Lamda Delta Sigma sorority at Westminster. Even though we don't talk or see each other often, we try to shoot for at least once a year if not more, we can pick up right where we left off. These girls and our leader have provided me strength and emotional support and have influenced who I want to be when I grow up.

J - A woman of great integrity. She talked to be about have her son died and I have tried to take her advice to heart and it has helped me realize that we all have personal trials and journeys that make us who we are. I love you J.

A- What an amazing woman of strength and leadership. She is the relief society president for like the 15th time. She is an excellent mom.

R- I think of her as having quiet strength and lot's of patience. Also an excellent Mom and a wonderful teacher in many ways.

S- Love her humor - she can tell a story like no other and have everyone rolling and laughing on the floor. She taught me what qualifications one needs to have to be a falconer. Good luck with your Li'l apprentice coming soon!

M- We missed you. Heard you are the stake yw leader. I knew you had it in you. Always doing 10,000 projects at once and always on the go! You amaze me.

N- What a year for you. Congratulations. You have such amazing talents and it has been wonderful to see a new side of your womanhood and motherhood come out! We missed you.

Also guess what everyone - I shaved my legs! Almost three months of hair growing - Yikes. This is what Damon said, "Your leg hair is longer than mine." - Now I have beautiful shaved legs!

May you take time to remember your friends and how they have helped you grow. If you are growing you leg hairs out - don't it is not worth it at all. Shaved legs are always more beautiful.

One tough Chick

Here it goes: went in for a right knee manipulation yesterday. Had to be at the U hospital at 6:00 am. Went to bed the night before at 11 and woke up at 2:30 am and did not go back to sleep. You would think I would be a pro at surgeries, but I freak out every time.

I received a femoral/sciatic nerve block. For those who have never had a nerve block, it is not fun. It is some of the worst pain that I have ever felt. This time the nerve block went great better than my left knee. The surgery went well, no need for a quad muscle release because my muscle was not intertwined with my scar tissue.

I went home with a femoral/sciatic nerve block. It looked like a baby bottle attached to my leg. This was not good at all. It is like a catheter that is attached into the muscle space between the nerves. I noticed it was leaking. Long story - short is was removed today and the medicine that I was suppose to have to numb my leg after having my right knee bent to break all the scar tissue, because I haven't bent that knee for almost 3 months.

Last week Damon bought me a hat. I think it explains it all. May we all recognize the tough chicks we have in our lives.

Sunflowers

On Monday of this week, my sister shared with me her talents of cupcake decorating. You would think that I could decorate since I am a scrapbook and cricut fasinista! However Sophie is much better than I am!

This made me think of talents: there have been so many that have shared their talents that have assisted me during this difficult journey.

Doctors - The U of U has some of the best doctors and I am grateful that they were able to put my body back together - kinda of like "Humpty Dumpty" - instead of a fall - car accident.

Nurses - I think that they have it harder than doctors! The caring ones and sensitive personalities really pulled me through during heart wrenching times.

Family - Wow where do I begin. I think I have the best family in the world. From a Mom - who stayed with me until 1:30 am as I was transferred to a new ICU room. Her talent for me is her comfort. A mother in law who has a wonderful talent in making beautiful table settings. A mother in law that is able to create magic out of wood! For all the family members that assisted me in eating - to cheer me on in my fight to rid my body of the feeding tube. To family members attending my therapy and playing games I never heard of.

I think so often that we become fixated on the creative talents and we measure ourselves to everyone around us. But what I have learned in my life changing experience is that the talent is really simple in being ourselves. We all have a light to shine and that light in many different ways is the talent that assist others, on their journeys. Many of the most helpful times for me have come from others that through simply being them - have simply strengthen me.

May we all think of our talents and realize that they do not have to be big, some of the best come in simple and quiet ways and we may not even think of them as talents!

Changing Colors

We live on top of a mountain. I have recently noticed that the fall colors are spreading across the mountain. I love the fall the crisp air, our wedding anniversary and caramael apples are to say some of my favorite items of fall.

As I think of the changing colors - I think about the accident and what has changed. Once like the tree colors everything was the same as the green in spring and summer. Then within minutes - my colors and life changed.

Red - Anger - sometimes I wonder if there was anything I could have done to stop the accident. I go over so many times what I could have done. But I am still working in terms that there was nothing and I have to accept it. Anger in the fact that I still am dealing with emotional and physical pain. Pain has been really hard to face and to deal with.

Yellow - Hope - this reminds me of the sun. I try everyday to turn my life to count my blessings and continue to have hope to recover.

Orange - Energy - I have had to learn that the energy that I had, will not be the energy I have now. I have learned that not having a spleen - can really cause fatigue and now I have to be more diligent in taking care of myself and recognizing when I need a break.

Brown - Calmness - I love Starbucks hot chocolate and apple cider. My wedding colors where brown and pink! Brown the color of our yard, until the sprinkler system gets done. I have had to learn that with patience comes calmness. I have learn that there are things that I can not change and I need to learn how to deal with the things that I can not change and choose to be patient in dealing with this trial.

Happy Fall y'all!

No more braces!

Yesterday I went to a follow-up visit with the Sports Medicine Clinic and the Orthopedic Clinic at the U of U and my doctor gave me the okay to not wear the braces on my right leg anymore. Now you would think that after having a brace on my leg for three months that I would be excited to get rid of it. Do not get me wrong I am excited but without having the brace I have to be brave and I have to trust my ankle and my right knee that I haven't used since the accident.

Trust now that is a hard thing to do but something that I have had to learn, during this experience.

I had to trust in the doctors and what amazing doctors I have to put all my broken bones together and make my body move again. Speaking of this - the 11th surgery is scheduled for next Tuesday - a manipulation on my right knee with a quad release if needed. Wow I am becoming a very experienced patient in the surgery area of life.

Trust that everything will heal and be okay. I am a person that likes to have control over all the areas in my life, during this experience I have had no control. I have had to learn to trust and have faith that the pain will subside, that my legs will heal, my ankle and knee will bend.

Trusting your body and working through the pain has been one of the hardest experiences that I have had to learn from. I was in a totally functioning body and then within minutes I was with major fractures and broken bones.

Please remember how beautiful our bodies are with our scrapes, bruises , acne - gray hair - our bodies are a gift.

"It Happened"

Today my Mom brought to me Livi's medical bracelet, her blanket she was wrapped in and her tiny foot prints and her death certificate.

Being at home has given me more time to "ponder and think"about everything that has happened to me. I have begun asking my families for the details of the accident. I feel like I have been surrounded in fog - because the surgeries and the time I spent in the ICU, for the life of me I do not remember. I believe that this is a blessing. I continue to ask what surgeries I had and in what order because, I feel like I am living in a puzzle with pieces of my life that were scattered and I have to put back in place.

I remember everything about the accident, with clear detail and I continue to have panic episodes when driving. One thing that I remember was during my time at Health South Rehabilitation Hospital that I was having a very difficult, night and a nurse comforted me my simply saying, "Corrine you are looking at the situation incorrectly. There is nothing you can do to take it back or to not make it happen. You should think of it simply, "It Happened."

It happened this huge event in my life, I feel like from the beginning that I chose to be a survivor.

I choose to survive.

Sisters

Yesterday my sister Sophie & I went to the scrap booking expo. It was a much needed escape from the walls of my home. I have become very bored, because you see I am a person that likes to be on the go, go and go.

While we were there, a song came on the radio that we played at Livi's funeral. I would like to think that she was there with us as we were having a good time being together as sisters. We have a saying that goes like this, "what happens with the Hopkins sisters, stays with the Hopkins sisters."

My sister Sophie dropped everything when she heard that I was in the horrific accident. She packed a go bag and ran to the LAX airport with her little son Kai- 10 months old and flew to SLC on the last flight available that day. She came to the hospital and was by my side since June 24th.

* She held my hand as the 500 plus stables and stitches were removed from my body.
* She held my hand as the torture of getting my wound care completed. I have never had such extreme pain in my life.
* She held my heart - as she cried with me numerous times as I simply talked about Livi and wanting to me a Mom.
* She held my heart - as she cried with me on the day we honored our sweet Livi.

My sister dropped everything in her life and decided that she needed to be there for me during this trial and moved with her family back to Utah.

She has been my nurse, aide, therapist, counselor, wound specialist, taxi-cab driver, receptionist, fashion designer, hair dresser, cheerleader, housekeeper, my best friend.

"God knew I loved you too much to be your friend, so he made you my sister."

Words can't express the gratitude I have towards my sister. She is a wonderfully person who has made it through her own trials to become a wonderful strong Mom. I can't believe she is a Mom but she is the best Mom - patient and loving and a wonderful teacher to Kai. I look up to her in so many ways and I am simply in awe of family relationships. I am grateful that I have her as my sister and all that she has done for me during this time. I love you sis!

What if....

What if .... I go down this road when I try to figure out all that has happened to me. What if I waited 5 minutes before getting into the car and leaving to drive down the road.

I would be a Mom. I would have come home with a baby wrapped in a soft blanket instead of legs wrapped in braces. Instead of an empty nursery with the door shut because the pain is to much to bear, there would be a cute Pottery Barn crib set in colors of pink and raspberry with splashes of lime.

Splashes of tears have hit me lately. I have come to realized that those parents who have lost a child, never stop grieving, they simply learn how to live life through the grief.

While at the hospital, I was focused on physically healing by body. Learning how to breathe on my own, learning how to walk, learning how to respect my by body with all the scars. While at home, I have been thrown into trying to heal emotionally. Learning how to live without Livi.

What if... I wasn't pregnant. I would have died. That is what all of the paramedics, firefighters and all first responders to the scene told my family later after I survived.

In dying, she saved me. Now I have to learn how to live without her, but to live is the gift that she gave me. How many Mom's can say that their daughter saved their lives.

How proud I am to be an "Angel, Mom."

Butterflies

On September 3rd - I made it home. It was a wonderful site to see all the Welcome Home Corrine signs into our subdivision. Everything was covered in pink! We have wonderful neighbors that have been incredible in providing us help. I had butterflies in my stomach - thinking that this was going to be another big adventure in my new journey in life. My journey outside of the hospital.

Butterflies have been a theme that has connected us to our sweet Livi.

1. The first pink butterfly came with the sweet neighbors in the ward that came and decorated the hospital room with vinyl decor. The butterfly was directly in my sight from my bed and the decorations - made me feel happy!

2. The second butterflies came from my dear family members A. Tam, Uncle Tom and Kayla and Melissa. They had given to us a wind chime that needed to be fixed. They decided that they were going to take it home and fix it. But A. Tam and U. Tom both picked out two different butterfly chimes that were the same butterflies. They were the first decor that I heard coming home. The sweet, gentle sound made coming home delightful.

3. The third butterflies came from the beautiful frame that "Nana" made that held Livi's picture at the funeral service.

I did some research on butterflies and the meaning and this is what I found.

Greek Mythology- reports that Butterflies are the souls of those who have died.
Russians also believe that the root word for butterfly is the soul.
Mexicans believe that when butterflies migrate that they are souls returning to their families.
Christians believe that a butterfly is symbolic of the spiritual evolution we go through.
Butterflies symbolize change.

We decided that we liked these ideas and we placed a tiny butterfly on Livi's headstone to help us remember the times butterflies have come to us, during this difficult trial. "Fly, Fly - little one."

May we all remember "the butterflies" we have in our lives.