Pain & Joy

Pain - is an unpleasant sensory and emotional experience associated with actual or potential tissue damage or described in terms of such damage. Joy - also refers to happiness - is a mental state of well-being characterized by positive emotions ranging from contentment to intense joy. Today I learned about how we might not know joy unless we know pain. I love the definition I found on pain. It doesn't describe your body being literally pinched between an engine and your body having over 7 broken bones and having to wait for help, not knowing what was going to happen. I received a CD of my accident photos. I can't say I was excited to see them. But I felt that it would be good for my healing process. I tried to open it up on my computer, it wouldn't let me. I told myself that as I looked at these pictures, I would remind myself that I am a survivor and that I made it through. Two of my dear friends are facing pain. Some of the pain I relate to very well. I have been there with drains taking my body fluids away from my burns in the ICU. Extreme pain that I watched the clock tick by ...in order to have more pain medicine, in hopes to take the edge off. I had extreme heart ache pain when I went to the ER 7 times not knowing if we would keep Livi with us long enough for her to survive. I know the pain of having your most long-waited dream, become a long- drawn out nightmare. To my two friends. There is not enough medicine to ease your heartache, fear or pain. Life is full of pain. However there is also joy. Joy comes in the little things. Treasure and soak in the love you feel. Breathe each moment and take it in to remember the heartbeat and the life you give and the life you have. I think for me my Joy has been in empathy. Before my accident I tried to feel how others were feeling. Now I know - in heart-wrenching emotion how certain experiences take your breath away. Joy - comes to me in knowing that I am there for them. I will do anything. I wish I could take their pain away, but I think I would rob them from the joy - that they will have in their own due time. Then their joy - will be shared in them being there for someone else. Here is to my friends M&L - I pray for you. I am here for you. Thank you for sharing in my pain. May we all fight the pain and live to discovery the joy in all our lives.

Knees

On Wednesday I had another doctor's appointment. I feel like I live at the U of U ortho center. I see three doctors there on a regular basis. My foot doctor, my trauma ortho doctor and my sports medicine doctor. Everyone knows me by my first name. I even brought the ladies at the front desk chocolates to make up for the time I screamed bloody murder when my toe-joint stitches came out!!! My foot doctor was pleased with my progress and I was excited to hear that I am not going to need any more ankle or toe operations. Here is the bad news always.....My trauma ortho doctor thinks that I have torn my PCL in my right knee as well as my left knee. Word on the street. Here I come Mr. Sport's Medicine Doc. (By the way - he is cute!) I am not the only one that thinks so!!! In two weeks I will find out if both my PCL's on my knees will need surgery. That would make my body in total - surgeries 14 and 15. So when little Kai Kai and I sing "Head Shoulders Knees and Toes." I think, "Oh no....here we go." Maybe I should sing PCL tears, femur breaks and pinned toes. May we all sing. May we all know it okay to be frustrated and want to give up sometimes.

Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep

I haven't blogged much. Life is still happening. Life still goes on. I feel like I am in torn in many different directions. My life my whole entire life changed after the accident even including now what I like to listen to on the radio, what I watch on TV. It is amazing how in one second my life changed forever ..... for ever. In three months it will be a year since the accident, but I live with it every day of my life like it was today. Little reminders of how I wobble when I walk and probably always will. How family members have to get home to put their kids to sleep and how I have an empty nursery, with no baby needing to go to sleep.

Somethings never get easier. Somethings I think will never get easier. It is still fresh. It is still raw. I am doing better at putting on a happy face, but come to realize I might never really have a happy heart.

One thing that does make me happy is the pictures that our wonderful photographer Jen Holt took when I wasn't even out of coma to have pictures of our Livi to bring us such peace and such happiness and comfort.

Another thing that made me happy was meeting Barb Smith with channel 4. She is an amazing woman with a very sensitive heart and a wonderful reporter.

May we all find reasons to live.

Unborn child saves her mother's life and give reason to live

HAPPY

Two friends have shared with me some great news recently. It has helped me to see that life is still happy and that life still brings good things!!!! It makes me very happy! I realized that life is about seeing the happy times and looking at the bright side to carry us through.

I also wanted to share with you another blog that my "Sista" and I have been working on. It is
http://poshpurses.blogspot.com/

May we all find things that we can be happy about.

Miracles

Little Liam came into this world screaming and kicking and ready to eat. Such a boy! He weighed 7 lbs and was 18 1/2 inches long. He is so cute. I can't stop holding him. He giggles and coos and he is very fussy if he isn't tucked into his blanket. I guess I would be fussy if I wasn't tucked in either right? He is a great combo of his Dad and his Mom. He has his Mom's lips and probably her eyes and he has his Dad's nose. He has very long fingers and toes.

Babies bring Heaven close. Babies are miracles.

Heaven came close when I received two Beautiful art pieces on the same day Liam came as a remembrance of our dear little Livi. They are so beautiful and when I saw them I cried. Heart String connections to friends are Miracles.

I cried.....
I cried when I entered the hospital room of a dear friend L. that is recovering from surgery. All too familiar you are so tired but you keep your eyes open. The pain medications make you itch. You get dizzy - easily... But the one thing that surgery can't ever remove from you is.....
YOU ARE....
You Are...beautiful, strong, believer, survivor, beautiful mother and wife, light, hope and faith.
You ARE....L.a miracle.

A tiny little miracle came as I was driving back from the hospital and I thought to myself....are the sounds coming from my new car....really marbles that are stuck somewhere and always slide when I turn. Very annoying. Annoying. It sounds like marbles going up and down the dash board. Getting out of the car, I realized not marbles in the dashboards but screws in the side door pockets. All eight of them. Yeah no need for dashboard diagnostics!!!!

May we see the big and small miracles that happen each and everyday.

My toliet seat riser was Jimmered!

Yesterday at church I was in the Library and I overheard some cute mothers talking about the toilet training and I thought to myself.....maybe it is time to do some toilet training myself! I hope all of you who read my blog and come to related and find humor in my struggles as I am still learning to find the bright side of all of this that has happened to me.

You see my knees both can't bend that far and I had to have a toilet seat riser to be able to get off the toilet without falling down and being stuck on the floor!

Here is to knee bending and getting off the toilet without any adaptive devices. Here is to toilets. They are a great blessing and we shouldn't take them for granted.

I heard the garbage truck pull up. I made a mad dash towards the bathroom and took the toilet seat riser off and threw it in the garbage!!! Here is to my cute neighbor Anna L. who cheered with me as I slam dunked it in just like Jimmer. He would be so jealous!!!!!

Here is to everyone who has small achievements that make us proud everyday!!!!

Beauty

Tonight my "sista" and Kai Bear went to a Fireside and the topic was "beauty" by Stephanie Nielson who was a plane crash survivor. Little Kai bear was bouncing all over the place so Sophie and I found a room that had a speaker to listen to what she had to say.

To say the least it was beautiful. She is a survivor and I related to her in so many ways. I think for those of us that have had near death experiences and trials that endure physical and emotional pain there is a connection to others and empathy that opens one's heart to understanding that no one else might be able to relate to.

Latley I have been really struggling with body image. There is not a part of my body from my toes to my chest that does not carry a "scar" from the accident. I joke with Damon that my cutest body part are only my left toes because they have glitter toes on them.

Tonight I realized that really "beauty" is only skin deep. That real beauty comes from the smile within your heart and the attitude you take in loving life and what life brings your way.

May we all try to see the true "beauty" that lies inside of each of us.