Dear Livi - Happy First Birthday in Heaven. If you were here I promise we would have had one awesome first birthday party for you. I would have taken lots of pictures. I would have wanted to see your smile and see you eat your birthday cake. We would have had a cute girly theme and I probably would go out of my way crafting it - to make it extra special - with some of those little "Mom" touches - I would have done! I wonder if you would have taken your first steps soon. I wonder if you would get along with your little cousins. I wonder if you would have looked more like your dad or more like me?
Wow. I can't believe it has been a year. Through out this year I have learned.....sometimes your spirit says things and knows things in your heart before your physical body... sometimes you have to push your physical body to catch up with your spirit....sometimes there are no answers.
I listened to a wise soul...who advised me to make today special....do random acts of kindness in your honor and memory.
We delivered Cafe Rio to the firefighters of South Salt Lake. Kai he loved getting up in the fire truck and driving the steering wheel. Then some really special boys came B, N, W and their mom R. They got to see all the cool things that the firefighters do all the tools all the cool boy stuff. We went for a ride up in the high ladder. It took us up 85 feet. This ladder truck actually came to the scene.
I met Alex- the paramedic firefighter....he talked to me a lot. He explained that I was the hardest extrication that they have done because the Subaru car contributed to saving my life. Every time they tried to move the engine the car and it's parts would clamp down on my legs because that is what a car is suppose to do to keep you safe. It makes it hard to get someone out of a car. Alex gave me a hug - when I walked into the fire station and reported that it was good to see me. I asked him if I was nice and he said yes. He reported that during the car accident I would not let go of his hand. He held my hand the entire time he said. He would stop when he had to put the IV's in, but he would then grab my hand as soon as his other hand was free. Wow, what an amazing story....some stranger gave me their hand to hold, while I was going through the darkest day of my life... He said he had to pry it away once I was on the stretcher ready to get into the medical helicopter. He said, I have to go but you are going to be in good hands.
I wonder Livi - did you say this to me as well? Or maybe I said, it's okay you can go...I know you will be in good hands.
Ryan - he was so sweet with all of the boys and he was showing them everything. He told me that the uniforms they wore that day were about 40-50lbs. Imagine that in the blistering sun because last year it was over 90 degrees. He said that he almost fainted because when he went to get the chains out of the fire truck to wrap around the engine to try and get it off my lap that he didn't realize how heavy they were. Then he told me, "You are a miracle....he said that I died twice in the car." He said that because I had acidosis in my legs and they were pinned under the engine that every time they released it a little....I would go out....they would have to pump in more IV's and a IV medicine. He said, "you are lucky to be alive girl...it is so good to see you. I told him, "in a weird way...this is therapy for me.
My mom was there when he said this, is simply put down my sunglasses and tears ran down my check. I died twice. I live today.
I turned to my friend R that was near and told her, "He said, I died twice." She said there obviously is a reason you are still here today."
I went up in the bucket 85 feet high in the sky. I was with Soph, Rod and little Kai Kai. Two of the firefighters that took me up where present at the scene of the accident.
One reached into his pocket and pulled out his phone. He said, "I carry your picture of your car accident with me as a reminder to make sure that I take nothing for granted each and every day." He had my car or what was left of my car on his phone ....has had it since last year.
He said, "You are lucky... you hit a electricity box and took out one of the concrete barriers. We had to pick and move the concrete barrier before you could even get to you to preform your medical care. He went on to say.... you were only 6 ft away from a gas line. If you had your impact there. You would not be here today.
We took pictures together....I gave all the firefighters a high five and thanked them for saving my life. One firefighter Mike grabbed my high-five and gave me a big hug. He said it was really hard for the firefighters to walk away from the scene and come back to the station not knowing what was going to happen to me....if I would make it. He said it was good for them to see me....to give them hope for all of the hard work they do...to know that they make a difference.
Hats off and I mean hats off.... to my forever heroes. Thank you South Salt Lake Fire Fighters. Thank you and Cafe Rio are not enough. Nothing will ever be enough.
Livi - R and her boys and Aunt Sophie and Kai went to the new swimming pool in our subdivision. We played in the water. The boys all loved it...I think. Kai even went down the water slide once with B and the other time by himself ...I caught him going down on his back. He is a brave little stinker.
We came home to chocolates a beautiful quote, flowers with little purple butterflies all in them and a Edible Arrangements from Grandpa Frazier. R gave us a beautiful peony plant, some sweet pea seeds and Diane D. gave us a pink angel to put in our garden.
Dad & I went to your grave. We talked to you. There were beautiful flowers there with a Happy Birthday Balloon. The grass is difficult for me to walk on because of my ankle strength. Light was shining and I felt warmth and peace.
We went to Vivia's house to pick her up for dinner but all of our phones had died. We left a note for her. I wanted in the car, while your Dad went to see if she was home.
My tiny tender mercy came as I looked out the window and saw a yellow butterfly fly by. I haven't seen a live butterfly since the accident but whenever I see a butterfly for some reason I think of you. Dad came back to the car and he reported that he say it too and it reminding him of you.
We did other things in your name and in your honor, to help those around us and in our community. Simple acts of kindness.
Kai, Aunt Sophie and I sang you Happy Birthday in the car while we drove to the pool later on in the day. We hope you heard it.
May you have a Happy Birthday in Heaven.
May you also know that, "If loved could have saved you....you would have lived forever."
Wow, one year. I can't believe it. You are in my heart always, especially
today. I hope the remembering has not been overly brutal today, though I
suppose you are probably feeling pretty raw. I just want you to know that I
love you and remember you and your Livi every day.
Just wanted you to know we were thinking of you and Damon today. Your lil angel is watching over you. Know we feel your heartache as only someone who has lost a child can. We love you so much!
May our Tiny angel rest her wings!
Love Patti and Dad