As this weekend comes to a beginning for me, I realize that Sunday will a difficult day for me. Damon has been sick and Grayson is teething and he is whinny and grouchy. My grass is dying at my house and the backyard grass should be called the Desert of Fraziers.
I am greatful for these things...do not get me wrong. I think that because what I have been through...I have come to enjoy the simple things that life has to offer. I no longer worry because about tomorrow...because at one time I was clinging to my life and I was hoping for another tomorrow.
I look back after two years and I think I am a pretty strong lady...I do think so myself. I can't believe it has been two years, it seems like yesterday and it seems like an eternity ago all wrapped up in one warped single moment of time.
I have survived another sugery this year. I have endured pain in my ankle that is constantly there. It is like annoying friend that won't leave me alone.
I struggled taking Grayson to the pool because even if I wear shorts....my scars still show...they always will. I struggle with the stares and I struggle with people mocking me or I can imagine the thoughts that run through their head as I pull into the handicap parking space, I can see them thinking, "She is not handicapped." Then there is a client that reminds me this week that I walk like someone that is a gimp. Regardless that he has no filter due to his handicap, I can't help but think in a way we are the same. He has no filter with his communication. I have no filter of what others think of me or my scars or the fact that I do walk with a limp...always will.
My scars are starting to fade...or at least I think they are ... I guess it is a hope.
One scar that remains so tender and vulnerable is the loss of my daughter. I had such great dreams for my little girl. It is two in the morning and tears are running down my face. Life is not fair...nor do I think it every will be. When I see parents that have a little girl that appears to be age 2, I think to myself, "what did I do wrong to not deserve that?" Then the guilt hits me and targets me like melted butter from the top of my head down to my heart. I have to remind myself that the guilt does not accomplish anything and in a way takes away from the tenderness and the sweet spirit I want to remember my little Livi as.
I simple am sad. Sad for the chance to her her giggle, or play patty-cake or to see the color of her eyes. Sad because I wish that there was something that I could change to make it go away and still to this day....I feel like I could wake up and it would be a horrible nightmare and then everything would go back.. that is what my heart says. My head says this, "you lived it....your nightmare...you survived it."
So Happy 2nd Birthday - Little Sweet Pea...Little Miss Butterfly.
I hope you are having one great birthday in heaven. You know all the special people will be thinking of you and I choose to celebrate you. I hope in heaven you still get to blow out your birthday candles. If I could be there I would hold you and rock you and cuddle you and never let you go.
You are so special. We have a bound that transends all eternity. I remember you fluttering... I remember your heartbeat. All though you do not live with us physically in our home...Your home is within my heart and you will always live there.
May you always remember how special you are. May you always know that we celebrate you on your birthday, but we clebrate you each day.