CutterPillar Pro....isn't that so cute?

It has been a while, since I have blogged.  Life is simply busy.  However, I continue to craft and LoVe it.  With the scrapbooking expo on its way....it brings be great memories of how I came home from the rehab hospital and my little sister and I decided to venture out on our own, in my new transporation the wheelchair.  It was Septemeber and we went to the Scrapbook expo.  Nothing was handicap accesible....nothing.... However it gave me a new appreciation of being in a wheelchair and now I try to help anyone that needs assistance as much as possible...  Enough about that. 

I totally got Christmas in September.  I went to pick up on of my little Beehive girls, LoVe my little Beehive girls!  Her Dad asked if I blogged and crafted.  What???  Two of my most favorite things in the world...next to Damon and Little G and chocolate of course.

He let me try a brand new crafter mikjigger thing that I absolutely love.  It is called the CutterPillar Pro.  It is everything you need in one thing!  It is a paper cutter with lazer lights so I know I am actually cutting the paper right on target!!! It has a sharp paper cutter,that actually becomes sharper as you cut never needing replacment  - Believe me I tried it out... I was simply that excited.  It has a built in ruler...no need for my five billon others taking up space in my craft room.  This thing rocks.... it rocks my little craft room. 

It is going to be at the scrapbook expo.  However here is the coolest thing...since I blog and facebook, I am in a contest to see if any of my family, friends or followers want this awesome Caterpillar pro, for the Friends and Family discount. 

Believe me you will love it.  It would be a great gift for the Holidays coming up!!!! Best of all you could bring it to my house with mine and we could have a crafters night.  Which I am still in the process of trying to put together.  Once I can get everything organized.

You can facebook me or leave a message on my blog ....I am really excited to share this!!!!

Thank You ...Brian  for my new CutterPillar Pro... It made my week.  Here is to crafting getting ready for the Holidays!!!!

May we all take time for ourselves and do a little crafting...I do say!

"Gifts of love" from Utah families make up 2011 Festival of Trees

"Gifts of love" from Utah families make up 2011 Festival of Trees

Two Years

As this weekend comes to a beginning for me, I realize that Sunday will a difficult day for me.  Damon has been sick and Grayson is teething and he is whinny and grouchy.  My grass is dying at my house and the backyard grass should be called the Desert of Fraziers. 

I am greatful for these things...do not get me wrong.  I think that because what I have been through...I have come to enjoy the simple things that life has to offer.  I no longer worry because about tomorrow...because at one time I was clinging to my life and I was hoping for another tomorrow.

I look back after two years and I think I am a pretty strong lady...I do think so myself.  I can't believe it has been two years, it seems like yesterday and it seems like an eternity ago all wrapped up in one warped single moment of time. 

I have survived another sugery this year.  I have endured pain in my ankle that is constantly there.  It is like annoying friend that won't leave me alone.

I struggled taking Grayson to the pool because even if I wear shorts....my scars still show...they always will.  I struggle with the stares and I struggle with people mocking me or I can imagine the thoughts that run through their head as I pull into the handicap parking space, I can see them thinking, "She is not handicapped."  Then there is a client that reminds me this week that I walk like someone that is a gimp.  Regardless that he has no filter due to his handicap, I can't help but think in a way we are the same.  He has no filter with his communication.  I have no filter of what others think of me or my scars or the fact that I do walk with a limp...always will.

My scars are starting to fade...or at least I think they are ... I guess it is a hope.

One scar that remains so tender and vulnerable is the loss of my daughter.  I had such great dreams for my little girl.  It is two in the morning and tears are running down my face.  Life is not fair...nor do I think it every will be.  When I see parents that have a little girl that appears to be age 2, I think to myself, "what did I do wrong to not deserve that?"  Then the guilt hits me and targets me like melted butter from the top of my head down to my heart.  I have to remind myself that the guilt does not accomplish anything and in a way takes away from the tenderness and the sweet spirit I want to remember my little Livi as. 

I simple am sad.  Sad for the chance to her her giggle, or play patty-cake or to see the color of her eyes.  Sad because I wish that there was something that I could change to make it go away and still to this day....I feel like I could wake up and it would be a horrible nightmare and then everything would go back.. that is what my heart says.  My head says this, "you lived it....your nightmare...you survived it."

So Happy 2nd Birthday - Little Sweet Pea...Little Miss Butterfly.

I hope you are having one great birthday in heaven.  You know all the special people will be thinking of you and I choose to celebrate you.  I hope in heaven you still get to blow out your birthday candles.  If I could be there I would hold you and rock you and cuddle you and never let you go.

You are so special.  We have a bound that transends all eternity.  I remember you fluttering... I remember your heartbeat.  All though you do not live with us physically in our home...Your home is within my heart and you will always live there.

May you always remember how special you are.  May you always know that we celebrate you on your birthday, but we clebrate you each day.

PAY IT FORWARD

I have always loved this movie.  If you haven't seen it..watch it.  Today was my "PAY IT FORWARD" day.  This morning I had the lovely experience...yes experience...of obtaining a Social Security Card for my little guy at the Social Security Office in SLC.  Going throught the metal detection, waiting for 40 minutes when I arrived right at 9 am when they opened, and having to pay for parking...always an experience.

I left realizing I still had an hour that I paid for.  I waited for the next car to pull into the parking lot and gave them my ticket and told them they have an hour for free.  The lady was kind and asked if I wanted money in return.  I told her, "nope just pay it forward." 

I then went to get my Inspection and Emissions completed on my car.  Please don't report me. I tucked my mail reminder in my box of bills and oops forgot it expired and have been driving with expired registration.  I am sure no one has ever had this experience right?!

When I arrived, another lady was clearly upset.  She reported she bought her car this week, but did not have it checked out from a mechanic and it had thousand of dollars that needed repair.  She was clearly upset.  She reported that why can't people be honest.  How simple is honesty...in "PAYING IT FORWARD."  I wish too that more people could be honest.

I went to lunch with friends.  In walked four fire-fighters.  I once had a meal paid for that I was not able to thank the person that paid for my meal.  However it made a lasting impression on me and my husband that this simple act of kindness....really was unexpected and sweet.

I asked the manager if I could pay for their meals.  Mind you this was not La Calle.  I could afford it on my Social Work Budget.  I asked to remain anonymous because I did not want to distrub their lunch.  If I could "PAY IT FORWARD" for every meal for the firefighter, paramedics. police officers that I come in contact with... for the rest of my life.  It would never be enough.  I feel a heart connection to these heroes for saving my life.

 However they told on me.  The fire-fighters walked over to our table and talked to me. 

I asked if they knew the firefighter that was first on the scene of my accident.  He was there right after I came to and saw the destruction of my car.  There was glass all over.  I remember spinning feeling like I was spinning but knowing my car was spinning.  I remember not being able to reach for my cell phone.  I remember calling out-loud, "please help me....I need help."  I think it was more of a prayer then calling out.  He came my firefighter.  He will always hold a special place in my heart.  We are getting you help.  Help is here.  Stay still.  Do not move your head.  I am in the car with you.  You are not alone.  I'm going to hold your neck still, to make sure you don't get hurt okay.  I am going to stay with you. 

Unless you have been to the edge of a cliff, to the edge of darkness...where you feel completely alone.  Completely aware that there is nothing physically, mentally or emotionally you can do to save you and your unborn daughter...you do not know what it is like to realize you have a 600 pound engine lying in your lap, and you can't feel your legs and you are barely breathing...you do not know what it is like to be driving and one second later....your world has crashed.  I felt so alone.  This feeling of loneliness....I do not want to ever feel again. 

But there he was simply reminding me to breathe.  Simply reminding me that help is on its way.
How do I, PAY IT FORWARD?" - Simply with a little note torn out of my small red - creative journal I carry with me, in my silver lightning purse.

- Dear ... Thank You for  being there for me when I felt so alone....Thank You for holding my neck and reminding me to breathe.  Thank You for Saving My Life.

I hope by this simple note...he knows how much I appreciate him "PAYING IT FORWARD"
For the late nights...he might have left his family.  For the hours of training. For the low level of pay.  For working in the heat for working overtime and long hours.  For having to wear those horrible heavy sweaty uniforms...  He saved a life...Mine.

May we all "PAY IT FORWARD"  and in some way....save a life.

15th Surgery

On Wed. last week, I woke up with a huge pain in my stomach.  At 2:00 am - I waited until 5:00 am to go to the ER.  I went to the ER and the doctors and everyone reported I had the stomach flu, made sense it was going around.  Wed. I still was not feeling good - 8:00 pm went to the ER again.  More tests, a CT Scan, heart monitors and more blood withdrawls.  Nothing came back nothing. 

Then I came home and I threw up...threw up for 3 days straight.  Finally told Damon, need to go to the ER Friday night.  I went to the ER....kidney failure....low heart beat....ICU admission.  Not again, I thought...back to the hospital.

ICU for three days....Surgery was prevented as much as possible...but in the end it had to happen.

You would think that I would be a pro at surgery.  I am not.  I get scared.  I hate not having control. 

My surgeon was great.  He talked to me and comforted my fears.  He told me that he was proud of me and all that I had endured. 

I am home now.  The hardest part was missing my Damon and little Grayson.  Now I have 40 new staples along my stomach with my stomach all cleared out.

May we all me proud of what we have endured.

Roots

In the last three weeks of the end of December of 2011, I have had three friends die.  These friends were not stop by and say "hi" once in a while, but friends that had deep roots, in who I was and who I became.

Needless to say, I was not in the Christmas spirit.  However, I have had much time to reflect.  All three of these funerals, could have been mine.  I wonder if people would have come to my funeral and talked about how I was a good friend.  Or how I had humor to carry me through the hard times that life gave to me.  Or if I had a big heart, and tried to help all those around me, even if it was through a smile or a friendly Hello.

To all three of my friends, I simply say - "Thank You" - 
Thank you for making Jr. High - tolearable!  I can say he was a little crush.

Thank You - for always wanting me to come and visit and checking up and asking me about my life and always being intersted in what was going on.  For sharing the story of our adoption with your family and friends and saying it brought a little happiness to the little life you had left inside of you and for holding him in your heart, when your body and arms wouldn't allow you to.

Thank You - for cutting my bangs, you were the best! Now I have to find a new bang cutter.  Thank you for the breakfast and fast meals.  Even though I have to laugh because Damon and I still think we ate it with cat hair! But it added to the love and effort you went to.  Thank you for eating fried pickles and avocados.  Thank you for your heartfelt listening and advice talks.  Thank you for the heartfelt and touching letters of inspiration and cards you gave to us after the "accident."  I kept them in my hospital room, read and re-read them many times when I needed a lift.  Thank you for taking care of Damon - during that hard time, when everyone was focused on me, you were focused on him.  Thank you for the letter you wrote on our behalf for the adoption file.  At your funeral, a sweet man - stopped me when I was holding Grayson.  He said, "you don't know who I am, but I was a co-worker."  He told me how you put Grayson's picture up in your little work Pod and that you told everyone our story at work. 

Tears roll down my face, as I hoped to share many more memories with you and with Grayson. 

One wish, is that I took more pictures.  My camera goes with me everywhere now.  Pictures, hold memories and tie us with heartstrings...I believe.

I hope all of my friends are looking out for my Little Livi...that is in heaven.  Hold her close.  Tell her all about the crazy things we did - okay maybe not all the things!

The thank you's are the roots....that connect me to you. 

May we all thank our friends.

   

Wings

It was over a year in the making.  As soon as I was transferred to my Rehab hospital and we were planning our sweet little Livi's funeral, I immediately thought of the Festival of Trees.  I did an internship at PCMC and also have had many clients and families use their services and I thought it would be a tender way of honoring her and her life and giving back to other children, to keep her memory alive. 

Results: A beautiful tree that was amazing beyond my dreams.  It took sweat, time and lots of hard work and many late hours to put on the glitter, glam and tuelle for the little tree.  I had lots of family that helped from my hubby, to brothers to dad and cousin - who drove the crazy truck down the crazy mountain.  To my Mom, sister in law and the young woman and dear friends.  It made a dream come true.  My art director: I like to call her - asked if Livi would be proud, I say...Yes. Yes. Yes.

Heart Warming:  All of the etsy artisans who opened their hearts and created beautiful masterpieces to give the final touch of miracles and pieces of their heart and heaven to put the softness need to celebrate Livi.  To know that their is still kindness in the world and that people do give of their time and talents.

Livi...there is a tree in your honor that is a butterfly garden memorial...to donate to other little kids that are needing a Guardian angel to help them on their journey.

May we all have wings...to embrace each other and...lift everyone up around us.