May

Today is my Birthday. I am writing at 12:39 am - so technically it is my Birthday.  May use to be one of my favorite months, but not really anymore.  Both my Grandma's birthdays are in May.  My Grandma Hopkins her middle name is Mae.  May for me starts the whole cycle of emotions and everything that happened after.

I remember on Mother's day - Damon giving me a card that talked all about our little Livi coming to live with us, and that he was excited for that.  Then came my Birthday, I remember being so scared that Livi was coming and if I was going to me a good Mom and I was having lots and lots of anxiety.  Everyone said it was just me being a Fisrt Time Mom.  I think it was a tender mercy of things to come.  I remember not wanting to get a crib or a room ready for Livi.  I remember not wanting to paint or to buy anything for the baby.  Looking back I now know why.  I think a Mom just knows things in a way that no one else knows. 

Now Mother's Day has another meaning to me.  I love being a Mom.  I love to hear Grayson's giggles.  I love to tickle his tickle spots all the time.  I love how he calls, "Mom" "Mom" over and over again to make sure I am listening to him and I know where he is, or maybe he is checking to see where I am.  I also think of his Birth Mom.  I hope she is doing good.  I hope she knows that our love for her grows stronger and stronger.  I wonder what Mother's day is like for her too.  Bittersweet for me. 

As I get ready to share my story at a dinner with 50 strangers within the next week all I can think of is that

"May we take the Bittersweet and try to see the sweet and not to become bitter."

Thanks & Giving

After much reflection this week, being with family always makes me think of two special people in my life that I wish could be with us during our holidays.  Livi - our daughter who died at birth and Grayson's - Birth Mom.  These two people will always hold a special place in my heart and I think of them and remember them everyday.

Recently a friend asked, "Do you tell Grayson about his sister and his birth-mom?"  I responded, "I don't tell him...I help him remember them both each and everyday and I tell him all the special memories I have of them both.  I share with him, they are a part of our everyday life."

It all began with choosing our adoption agency.  As a social worker, I knew I simply wanted the best.  I met with many different agencies and called and interviewed, but my heart always came back to A Act of Love.  From my first phone call to the check in's and post adoption services we receive ...I and my husband both felt it was little ''acts of love" along the way that made our adoption process "from the heart and a beautiful adoption experience.

I remember the first time I talked to Grayson's birth mom- she was like a long lost best friend.  I simply asked, "How are you?"  Because from the moment I heard her voice, I wanted to make sure she was okay.  I was concerned about her and the huge choice that she was making.  We both cried.  Even as I write this I am crying...as a huge amount of emotions come to the surface.  We were both strong, we both knew about heartache and wanting the best for a child.

We met the next day at the hospital.  We waited for her in the gift shop.  My husband and I bought her a big boquet of pink roses and a card.  I knew it was her, even though I never saw a picture as soon as she walked in, I just knew.  I ran up and gave her a hug.  We then started crying again.  She brought her two brothers.  We all went up into the elevator to the 3rd floor.  Emotions were running high.  Does she like me?  Does she know how much we care about her and her family? 

We spent a whole week with her and her family.  We talked for hours on hours.  We went to lunch and dinner together.  We went to IHOP and meet Grayson's brothers and sisters.  It felt like we were a big extended family that crossed across the United States.  We had a wonderful time together.  Took pictures and videos with one another and this all created a wonderful adoption experience.  I could not have asked for more.

I remember talking to her on the phone arranging for our last meeting to go to breakfast before we left to go to the airport to come home.  I remember telling her, "How do you thank someone for giving you their child?"  She simply replied, "My loving him."

I wish everyday she could see how much love together (his bithmom and me) has given to him for the choice she made of adoption.

Her love came from placing him in a home and making the decision from the beginning...our love (my husband and I ) comes from honoring her choice and recognizing the beautiful gift she has given to us and trying each day to show him how much he is loved.  He is loved everyday by two mom's.  He will always have two mom's.  One mom is close...the other is close in heart.

Love him...we do.  Each day is filled with smiles, giggles and laughs.  Tonight he was placing random toys on his head and letting them fall to the ground and he would giggle as they hit the floor.  My heart has ached for this laughter to fill our home.  Tonight I realized it is here and what a beautiful gift it is.  Tonight Grayson was high fiving his uncle, his Grandpa and his two other boy cousins as we sang, "Happy Birthday to his Papa."  This week we have put up Christmas decorations and he claps every time I lit a candle thinking we are going to sing Happy Birthday.  Grayson is my happy.  He lights up my life in so many ways. 

The bear his birth mom gave to him, sits next to the other bears that he has in his room.  Her picture sits next to the other pictures we have.  She is a part of him...therefore a part of us and our family.  We love her. 

May we all give Thanks & be giving.

CutterPillar Pro....isn't that so cute?

It has been a while, since I have blogged.  Life is simply busy.  However, I continue to craft and LoVe it.  With the scrapbooking expo on its way....it brings be great memories of how I came home from the rehab hospital and my little sister and I decided to venture out on our own, in my new transporation the wheelchair.  It was Septemeber and we went to the Scrapbook expo.  Nothing was handicap accesible....nothing.... However it gave me a new appreciation of being in a wheelchair and now I try to help anyone that needs assistance as much as possible...  Enough about that. 

I totally got Christmas in September.  I went to pick up on of my little Beehive girls, LoVe my little Beehive girls!  Her Dad asked if I blogged and crafted.  What???  Two of my most favorite things in the world...next to Damon and Little G and chocolate of course.

He let me try a brand new crafter mikjigger thing that I absolutely love.  It is called the CutterPillar Pro.  It is everything you need in one thing!  It is a paper cutter with lazer lights so I know I am actually cutting the paper right on target!!! It has a sharp paper cutter,that actually becomes sharper as you cut never needing replacment  - Believe me I tried it out... I was simply that excited.  It has a built in ruler...no need for my five billon others taking up space in my craft room.  This thing rocks.... it rocks my little craft room. 

It is going to be at the scrapbook expo.  However here is the coolest thing...since I blog and facebook, I am in a contest to see if any of my family, friends or followers want this awesome Caterpillar pro, for the Friends and Family discount. 

Believe me you will love it.  It would be a great gift for the Holidays coming up!!!! Best of all you could bring it to my house with mine and we could have a crafters night.  Which I am still in the process of trying to put together.  Once I can get everything organized.

You can facebook me or leave a message on my blog ....I am really excited to share this!!!!

Thank You ...Brian  for my new CutterPillar Pro... It made my week.  Here is to crafting getting ready for the Holidays!!!!

May we all take time for ourselves and do a little crafting...I do say!

"Gifts of love" from Utah families make up 2011 Festival of Trees

"Gifts of love" from Utah families make up 2011 Festival of Trees

Two Years

As this weekend comes to a beginning for me, I realize that Sunday will a difficult day for me.  Damon has been sick and Grayson is teething and he is whinny and grouchy.  My grass is dying at my house and the backyard grass should be called the Desert of Fraziers. 

I am greatful for these things...do not get me wrong.  I think that because what I have been through...I have come to enjoy the simple things that life has to offer.  I no longer worry because about tomorrow...because at one time I was clinging to my life and I was hoping for another tomorrow.

I look back after two years and I think I am a pretty strong lady...I do think so myself.  I can't believe it has been two years, it seems like yesterday and it seems like an eternity ago all wrapped up in one warped single moment of time. 

I have survived another sugery this year.  I have endured pain in my ankle that is constantly there.  It is like annoying friend that won't leave me alone.

I struggled taking Grayson to the pool because even if I wear shorts....my scars still show...they always will.  I struggle with the stares and I struggle with people mocking me or I can imagine the thoughts that run through their head as I pull into the handicap parking space, I can see them thinking, "She is not handicapped."  Then there is a client that reminds me this week that I walk like someone that is a gimp.  Regardless that he has no filter due to his handicap, I can't help but think in a way we are the same.  He has no filter with his communication.  I have no filter of what others think of me or my scars or the fact that I do walk with a limp...always will.

My scars are starting to fade...or at least I think they are ... I guess it is a hope.

One scar that remains so tender and vulnerable is the loss of my daughter.  I had such great dreams for my little girl.  It is two in the morning and tears are running down my face.  Life is not fair...nor do I think it every will be.  When I see parents that have a little girl that appears to be age 2, I think to myself, "what did I do wrong to not deserve that?"  Then the guilt hits me and targets me like melted butter from the top of my head down to my heart.  I have to remind myself that the guilt does not accomplish anything and in a way takes away from the tenderness and the sweet spirit I want to remember my little Livi as. 

I simple am sad.  Sad for the chance to her her giggle, or play patty-cake or to see the color of her eyes.  Sad because I wish that there was something that I could change to make it go away and still to this day....I feel like I could wake up and it would be a horrible nightmare and then everything would go back.. that is what my heart says.  My head says this, "you lived it....your nightmare...you survived it."

So Happy 2nd Birthday - Little Sweet Pea...Little Miss Butterfly.

I hope you are having one great birthday in heaven.  You know all the special people will be thinking of you and I choose to celebrate you.  I hope in heaven you still get to blow out your birthday candles.  If I could be there I would hold you and rock you and cuddle you and never let you go.

You are so special.  We have a bound that transends all eternity.  I remember you fluttering... I remember your heartbeat.  All though you do not live with us physically in our home...Your home is within my heart and you will always live there.

May you always remember how special you are.  May you always know that we celebrate you on your birthday, but we clebrate you each day.

PAY IT FORWARD

I have always loved this movie.  If you haven't seen it..watch it.  Today was my "PAY IT FORWARD" day.  This morning I had the lovely experience...yes experience...of obtaining a Social Security Card for my little guy at the Social Security Office in SLC.  Going throught the metal detection, waiting for 40 minutes when I arrived right at 9 am when they opened, and having to pay for parking...always an experience.

I left realizing I still had an hour that I paid for.  I waited for the next car to pull into the parking lot and gave them my ticket and told them they have an hour for free.  The lady was kind and asked if I wanted money in return.  I told her, "nope just pay it forward." 

I then went to get my Inspection and Emissions completed on my car.  Please don't report me. I tucked my mail reminder in my box of bills and oops forgot it expired and have been driving with expired registration.  I am sure no one has ever had this experience right?!

When I arrived, another lady was clearly upset.  She reported she bought her car this week, but did not have it checked out from a mechanic and it had thousand of dollars that needed repair.  She was clearly upset.  She reported that why can't people be honest.  How simple is honesty...in "PAYING IT FORWARD."  I wish too that more people could be honest.

I went to lunch with friends.  In walked four fire-fighters.  I once had a meal paid for that I was not able to thank the person that paid for my meal.  However it made a lasting impression on me and my husband that this simple act of kindness....really was unexpected and sweet.

I asked the manager if I could pay for their meals.  Mind you this was not La Calle.  I could afford it on my Social Work Budget.  I asked to remain anonymous because I did not want to distrub their lunch.  If I could "PAY IT FORWARD" for every meal for the firefighter, paramedics. police officers that I come in contact with... for the rest of my life.  It would never be enough.  I feel a heart connection to these heroes for saving my life.

 However they told on me.  The fire-fighters walked over to our table and talked to me. 

I asked if they knew the firefighter that was first on the scene of my accident.  He was there right after I came to and saw the destruction of my car.  There was glass all over.  I remember spinning feeling like I was spinning but knowing my car was spinning.  I remember not being able to reach for my cell phone.  I remember calling out-loud, "please help me....I need help."  I think it was more of a prayer then calling out.  He came my firefighter.  He will always hold a special place in my heart.  We are getting you help.  Help is here.  Stay still.  Do not move your head.  I am in the car with you.  You are not alone.  I'm going to hold your neck still, to make sure you don't get hurt okay.  I am going to stay with you. 

Unless you have been to the edge of a cliff, to the edge of darkness...where you feel completely alone.  Completely aware that there is nothing physically, mentally or emotionally you can do to save you and your unborn daughter...you do not know what it is like to realize you have a 600 pound engine lying in your lap, and you can't feel your legs and you are barely breathing...you do not know what it is like to be driving and one second later....your world has crashed.  I felt so alone.  This feeling of loneliness....I do not want to ever feel again. 

But there he was simply reminding me to breathe.  Simply reminding me that help is on its way.
How do I, PAY IT FORWARD?" - Simply with a little note torn out of my small red - creative journal I carry with me, in my silver lightning purse.

- Dear ... Thank You for  being there for me when I felt so alone....Thank You for holding my neck and reminding me to breathe.  Thank You for Saving My Life.

I hope by this simple note...he knows how much I appreciate him "PAYING IT FORWARD"
For the late nights...he might have left his family.  For the hours of training. For the low level of pay.  For working in the heat for working overtime and long hours.  For having to wear those horrible heavy sweaty uniforms...  He saved a life...Mine.

May we all "PAY IT FORWARD"  and in some way....save a life.

15th Surgery

On Wed. last week, I woke up with a huge pain in my stomach.  At 2:00 am - I waited until 5:00 am to go to the ER.  I went to the ER and the doctors and everyone reported I had the stomach flu, made sense it was going around.  Wed. I still was not feeling good - 8:00 pm went to the ER again.  More tests, a CT Scan, heart monitors and more blood withdrawls.  Nothing came back nothing. 

Then I came home and I threw up...threw up for 3 days straight.  Finally told Damon, need to go to the ER Friday night.  I went to the ER....kidney failure....low heart beat....ICU admission.  Not again, I thought...back to the hospital.

ICU for three days....Surgery was prevented as much as possible...but in the end it had to happen.

You would think that I would be a pro at surgery.  I am not.  I get scared.  I hate not having control. 

My surgeon was great.  He talked to me and comforted my fears.  He told me that he was proud of me and all that I had endured. 

I am home now.  The hardest part was missing my Damon and little Grayson.  Now I have 40 new staples along my stomach with my stomach all cleared out.

May we all me proud of what we have endured.